Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie!
Well, I knew that getting half an hour of sleep prior to going on vacation with this group was far from enough. So before the abuse could begin, I decided to appease Scott by upgrading him to first class. Bad move. Little did I know Laura would immediately put me on her shit list. Right after I had bought her the coolest dive mask strap on our last vacation to Cozumel. How soon they forget. But hey, we got kicked out of first class anyway when we starting throwing around the beach ball!
Once we arrived in Steamboat (Jeff being our tour guide), things started to come together. Wow. What a pad. Time to call Lisa! Well, the condo was fine on the surface, that is, until we actually tried to use some simple amenities, like the ice machine, bathroom, stereo, and the hot tub (Yeah, that last one hurt. But at least it didn’t break for a few days). So, as we settled in and assessed the damage, we (and our little fox visitor) munched on hot wings and fajitas and watched the snow fall. Lots of it. After that, it was one of many nights in the hot tub and rolling in the snow all around it.
The next morning, I awoke bright and early to the distant sound of drums. And then it turned deafening as I noticed Scott walking into our room pounding an Indian war drum. 7:30am. Time to ski! It was a great first day, with only one accident. It was Val, with a hairline fracture of her nose. And it really wasn’t that bad. After all, wearing a turtle fur, a coat hood, ski goggles and in near zero visibility from the lift, you could barely tell! But there’s nothing that a few good drinks at Inferno’s couldn’t cure, right? And then for comic humor later, there was Kurt, cussing at the “possessed” television, which kept changing channels and turning on and off by itself for 10 minutes. Uh, Kurt. Have you ever heard of a remote control?
After an awesome day of skiing (and calling Lisa 3 times to rub it in), and an anticipated zero visibility on the mountain, we opted for snowmobiling our second day. All bets were off as no one rolled or stalled, but we sure as hell pushed them to the limit in that 2 feet of fresh powder! Dinner at The Old West Steak House, the hot tub, and a night at The Tugboat Bar followed this. Cool band, the Delta Rockets, but it was the video games that had us, uh, Val, hooked. I don’t think she heard a note.
By Friday morning, with a few new feet of virgin powder, we were ready to hit the slopes again. That is, once Perry and I could get through Liz and Val’s pillow and chair barricade. I guess we deserved it after our pool cue trap, plants in the room and short sheeting escapades. (More to come). On the slopes, there were no major accidents. Only a near miss, where PJ wins the award for the coolest laugh-turning-into-a-cry sound. This was complimented by Kurt’s prince-charming-face-plant-to-come-to-her-rescue move. Oh, I guess I should also mention a friendly encounter with a porcupine in the trees and Perry’s first tumble (Kato!). Then things picked up that evening at Buddy’s Run Bar. The entertainment, Jolly Demis, was a combo singer, musician and comedian and really packed the place. So we naturally, polished off a ton of pitchers (I want a chug rematch with Liz!), danced (Sorry Val, but you can’t lead) and sang along in a drunken stupor (Y-M-C-A!). Luckily, no one noticed, except the guy who tossed Laura a t-shirt. After wearing ourselves out, it was back to the pad for a quiet night, with pasta and Trivial Pursuit.
Saturday. It was officially the weekend. More powder. This time, no accidents on the slopes. Well, Scott did come close with his Academy Award winning Superman-style wipeout. That’s one to tell the grand kids about. But the day was just getting started. Little did we know what was to come at Buddy’s Run Bar.
Okay, so it started off with the same entertainment, the same songs, and the same jokes. Boring. But things took a drastic change for the better (or worse) when he noticed our enthusiasm and called us all up on stage to be the entertainment, at our expense. I’d say I got off easy just having to sing “American Pie”, except for the fact that I kept forgetting the words. At least I didn’t butcher “My Girl” like Scott. But Perry will forever have to live with his new name, “The Beav”. And let’s not forget Kurt “The Shitty Sweater Guy” and PJ “The Bad Hair Girl”. Don’t they make a lovely couple? Oh, and I can just imagine Jeff and Carin’s astonishment when they walked into the hopping bar and realized mild-mannered Kurt was on stage, playing the tambourine and doing his best to play to the “white men have no rhythm” motif. Time to call Lisa!
But I’d have to say the most embarrassing screw up happened when I was singing “My Girl”. The words “I’ve got sunshine…on a sunny day” seemed so right, until he stopped the music and said “Hey, it’s CLOUDY day, you dork!” I’m sorry, but I still disagree. How can you have sunshine on a cloudy day? Let’s move on.
Later that night, Val dragged us back to The Tug Boat Bar. The Delta Rockets were still playing there. If you ask me, I’d say Val had a thing for the chubby singer. I’m Kidding! Chill! Don’t be so paranoid! You too, Liz! Just because I’m sitting on a couch outside your room, doesn’t mean…never mind. In any case, thanks for TP’ing our room.
Sunday morning. Our last ski day.
And one last time, we just had to check out Buddy’s Run Bar. We lived through all the same jokes and songs again, but kept on dancing. We did one final encore performance of “American Pie” (with the whole crowd following along), and I was forced to sign a few Michael Chang autographs for my adoring fans. Let’s not forget that PJ was no longer “The Bad Hair Girl”!
All worn out, we spent our last night in the pad, with PJ doing a marvelous job on dinner. By this time, the stereo had blown up and the hot tub wasn’t working. But we had each other!!! (group hug) Perry and I did our best to pull one final gag on Val and Liz, by moving their bed outside onto the patio, but we were caught red handed. Things would have worked out perfectly if we had gotten them to play pool. I don’t remember the exact logistics, but believe me, Perry and I did EVERYTHING in our power to lose that game.
Not much happened on Monday, as we packed up and headed to town for some shopping and lunch. And then it was back to the airport, dreaming about all that powder and who would be on the Alpha team next year. Wondering if Val’s nose would ever return to normal (I’m kidding! We love ya!) or if the Salvation Army would ever accept Kurt’s “Shitty” sweater. Contemplating how weird it would be ice-skiing back on the east coast, and wondering how it could be cloudy on a sunny day.
Bar Golf awaits…